Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
