If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
