It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
