Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
