I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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