I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
