I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
