Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
