She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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