mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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