the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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