Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize