Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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