i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
