If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
