if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
