If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
