Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
