Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
