He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
