one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Holy shit dude........stairs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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