I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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