You surviving the open bar?
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I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
