i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
