third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
