She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize