I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Randomize
