I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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