Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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