the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
