If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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