It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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