Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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