Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
