I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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