If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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