I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
