Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
