you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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