Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
