i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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