I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
