My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
