Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize