I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
