I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
someone owes me an orgasm
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
