I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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