you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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