Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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