With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
