Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
