I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
