god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
