Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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