Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
