Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Houston, we have a blender
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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