Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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