I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
