I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
