I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
