I'm eating all of the evidence.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
