i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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