dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
