Your face is a jimmy john
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
