I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
