Im at strip club and am horny
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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