Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
